Friday, March 23, 2012


I think I surely must have told this story to every single person I've ever met, and yet digging around in the For Battle archives I can't see any evidence that I've ever actually scanned the photo in and shared it; shame on me. Alas its in an old picture from back in the dark ages, when dinosaurs roamed the earth on 1200 baud modems and people thought the world would end in 2000 for some arbitrary calendrical reason, not 2012 like any sensible person nowadays. Its called a "photo" apparently, and no matter how many times I put it in the DVD drive it still won't read. (And it turns out Jesus isn't above sabotaging the oldsters' computer to keep embarrassing photos from coming out on his 21st - century. I've just spent the last hour trying to make the damned (sic) scanner work).

Anyways, Coz' and my favorite favorite thing of all the amazing things at the British Museum was this set of mosaics from back before the sanitised authorised biography of Jesus outsold the previous umpty-eleven tell-all versions. I don't remember where or when it was from, though there should be another of those photo things around here somewhere with the details.

The text beneath, for those of you inexplicably having trouble reading this lousy scan of a lousy photo which hung on our wall for a decade collecting dust, (and taking into account that I can barely read the damn thing myself) reads:

"Jesus plays by the side of the river. Jesus making pools, a boy destroys one with a stick and falls dead."

"The Virgin admonishes Jesus, who restores the boy to life by touching him with his foot." (ed: read, "sulkily kicking him in the arse...")

(Something about Jesus striking a teacher dead to avoid having to explain why he didn't do his homework.)

I wish I could find the one where Jesus - having established a bit of a rep in the whole striking-people-dead department - goes round to play with a neighborhood kid. The kid's mom sees J and hides her kid in the oven, but J being omniscient knows this and turns the kid into a baked ham.

Anyone who has ever been or known a child knows that an omnipotent Jesus was a serious pain in the arse when he was a kid.


Mousicles said...

Yay. I love this story but I don't think I've ever seen the photo. Kid Jesus sounds like a bit of a brat. Smiting other kids in the playing is strictly forbidden.

John said...

I like these tiles. For better images search the interwebs for the "Tring tiles"
Here is an example.

anti ob said...

Oh, nice! I've always meant to track down what they were called...