Monday, November 14, 2005

Vintage Harry

Looking through the box of memorabilia that has survived the great chucking out of 2005 I came across the following harry classics. These date from the late 90's when husbang was a very bored NSW public servant working in the funding department of a large bureaucracy, and harry still had a job and access to a fax machine.

Farmers Association for Rotating Trotters
Lot 34, East Cowpat Drive ~ Grondle Vale ~ NSW ~ Australia
Phone 02 9748 8688 ~ Fax 02 9748 8677 ~ Email
August 13, 1998

Attn: Husbang (name removed to protect the guilty)
Branch: Funding
Date: 12/8/98
From: Bruce Hickman
Pages: 1 (including this one)

I wish to put forward an application for funding for the development of rural practices in the Largs region of NSW. We in the Farmers Association for Rotating Trotters have implemented a mutual support management plan of some standing for many years now. Unfortunately, times being what they are, our collective effort needs a bit of a hand. The next step in our management plan is the purchase of six Rotating Pig Emasculators. The DLC help us out in 1989 with a Collapsable Pig Fat Gauge which measures the fat layer under the skin and folds away into a miraculous cubic foot carry case, but I'm sure you're aware of this. The CPGF gave us the edge in a hard season and we won the East Swanvomit Hill Cup and achieved record high prices for our pork and bacon and equal best price for raw sausage matter. We also won the "Pig that looks Most like its Owner" competition for the third time with Kevin Girdle and Squealer. Either Kevin is one fucking ugly guy or Squealer is one good looking pig. Anyway, the Rotating Pig Emasculator represents the next step for us in FART as we take advantage of new technology. The RPE allows the emasculation of pigs by right AND left handed operators, which will make the process much faster for a start. The RPE also allows the pigs to be rotated through a full 360 degrees - often at high speed - which is infinitely preferable to the maximum 45 degree tilt achieved with the Watson and Sponkle Pig Cradle that we currently use. We really need six pig emasculators so placed that all ten members of FART will have easy access to one and so that they can even be hired out on occassion. The RPE is the logical choice.

Looking forward to your reply,

Bruce Hickman

Hutmalzadalha Camel Enterprises
Station 12, New Bumscratcher Track

Phone: 08 9746 8688
Fax: 02 9748 8677
Friday, August 14, 1998

Attn: Husbang (name removed to protect the 'in big trouble for something he said in an email')
Branch: Funding
Date: 13/8/98
From: Herman Grondle (Head Hatmul)

For fifteen years now, we at Hutmahadalha (sic) Camel Enterprises have been an intrinsic part of the Outer Sandville community and commercial sector. Not only do we service tourists with Desert Explorer Camel Treks we also charter our services to maintaining those areas inaccessible to 4WDs. There are six temporary stations and the University of New South Wales has a scientific establishment here that is manned for only one month in every four. Our sixty strong caravan is the only way these stations can be economically maintained. We not only bring in tourist dollars but lend our services to the SES when necessary. We assisted in the rescue of the crew of a downed plane with two six camel hradradullahs, and during the Roving Tetsle Bug outbreak of 1994 where all ten caravans and hatmul teams were used in the recovery of undamaged stock.

Desert conditions are harsh and wear and tear on the camel harnesses is a constant problem. Our equipment is seriously starting to suffer so I'm applying for funding for new equipment. The only place reliable camel harnesses, saddles, bridles etc are made is in Saudi Arabia. We would like to purchase as much as possible now because of the current lower shipping charges, a good discount coupon valid for this month and the offseason has just started.

This is what I require: 28 yatmals (girth straps), 15 pairs of hazdakkas (bells and tassels for belts), 18 ramdalis (foot stirrups), 23 malifas (camel prods), 14 julakis (one person saddles), 8 hajulakis (two person saddles), 12 melareckhesdaks (slung carry bags) and 30 gelakafs (bridles).

Recently it has become abundantly clear that we need new equipment. One of the hatmuls, Max, was mounting one camel when the julaki gave way, twisting his yatmal and his banged his hazdakkas with such force that the camel took off. The bellowing camel then clipped a tourist who got caught by the ramdali and dragged for forty metres. The next day Frank prodded a female tourist's hajulaki, the gelakaf snapped and his malifas become embedded right up to the tasselled meffelrak! We've had a few instances where rogue camels with wayward melarekhesdaks have caused some of the tourists considerable consternation. this is a particular problem in the mating season. Twice now, during unloading, snapping dimlaks have startled the camels. They became unpredictable and Frank was kicked in the hajulakis. There have also been problems with John rearranging his ramdalis during a trek.

We had a horrible accident when we were storing the Egyptian river sailboats that we run for the tourists on the dam. By some freak occurrence, when Max was bundling the sails, the stick a British tourist was using for a prod was catapulted into his crotch. Max the felucca flax stacker was smacked in the jatzcrackers by a backpacker's ersatz camel whacker and damaged his hazdakkas. He nearly resigned on the spot, instead he collapsed slowly, but he did stay on for the next season.

We could also do with some funding to make our slogan better - I think it lost a little something in the translation. We need to pay for a new translator as well cos the last one was a complete halamakka bal ferrali!!!!!!!!

If you could provide any assistance it would be greatly appreciated.


Herman Grondle

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